Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have used this one!)

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.  

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.  I love this one!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?  This one is a REALLY good question!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure. 

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.  So True!

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

AND my favorite is -

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.